6 months

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Yesterday marked 6 months since I've been able to see my mom. The day before that was 6 months since I've talked to her.
I've found myself posting less on Facebook since she's been gone.
I've taken less pictures of my girls (she'd call me out on it when I didn't send her pictures almost daily!)
For a while I found myself doing less of everything. Thinking that if I enjoyed life too much, I would feel guilty for enjoying my life without her.
I say I'm fine, until I try to talk about her, then the tears flow (as they are now - which I wasn't expecting when I started typing this).
It's a balance of learning how to live life and enjoy life, and still remember her and carry her with me. 

I've seen two different counselors, but I wasn't impressed with either of them. Maybe I just had high expectations to spill my guts about my life, and I came out with this: I'm grieving 'normally' and I need to remind myself how my mom would want me to live my life and what she would think if I wasn't doing things the way I should be doing them. It was weird and uncomfortable.
In September I'll be going to a support group called A Daughter's Grief, a group specifically for daughters who lost their mom. I had a colleague recommend this group to me, she went through it after her mom died and said it was a great experience for her, a place where she felt understood.

The last two months, I would say I have actually been doing well. July really helped by setting a goal of intentionally running/walking at least 1 mile a day - which I succeeded! It was great to have something to work for each day. I haven't come up with anything for August, but I am going to get back into training for a 10K that I am doing in Seattle in October.

I'm not sure what word I want to use to describe how I'm feeling about the next 6 months. They might be harder than the last 6 months. The girls' birthdays are coming up, mom and I would be planning some sort of trip, dad and I are going to Oklahoma in September for a quick trip to visit mom's graveside, October will bring back the memories of our trip to Disney last year (the last one she would take), November will be her birthday, memories of the 60th birthday celebration we had for her, and for me, what would be the beginning of my grief story (which I'm still planning to write about at some point).

My God is my rock. My mom showed her faithfulness to the end. It's been difficult the last 6 months to fully embrace my faithfulness to God, but I know He is there. I know He's waiting with open arms for me to run to Him. He shows me His love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness daily.
My family is amazing. My husband, my girls, my dad, my brothers, and my best friends. They have been there when I needed them.

I miss my best friend. My travel buddy. The woman who showed me strength, love, and faith until the end.

Comments

  1. frgprncsAugust 8, 2019 at 10:00 AM

    I'm glad you're going to the grief support class...it will help. When my mom died, like you, i was oavercome with emotion which I still ugly cry with when I remember some things. Mostly though now I can remember those times with the love in my heart she put there and remember the good times and be happy I had such an amazing mom that I get to remember and was taught by her that my God loves, forgives, and has a plan for me. And I know when my time comes we will be reunited again. Hang on to the memories and live like she showed you it only brings tears because there was so much love...be kind to you

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