Dark & Cold
November, December, January, & February
These are the 4 darkest and coldest months of the year. I feel like this year they will be a little darker and a little colder. From tomorrow until February, the months will be flooded with memories.
Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. There are days I wait for her to send me a message and ask me what we are doing that weekend or how the girls are. The tears still come and go - the girls occasionally tell me they dream about grandma and tell me often how much they miss her.
A year ago tomorrow we celebrated mom's 60th birthday in Santa Claus, Indiana. It was what she wanted - a weekend of family. So, we all made arrangements and our whole family was there and mom and dad's best friends Jim & Carole. It was a weekend of love, laughter, food, games, and family pictures.
From my perspective, after this weekend is when things started progressing. On election day last year, mom was walking towards the building where the voting was taking place. A 1" lip in the sidewalk was unmarked and mom tripped on it. She fell, broke her nose and fractured her wrist. She'd require surgery on her wrist, the nose they let heal on it's own. It set mom off her chemo schedule. I think I'm blocking out a lot of details, things I rather not think about during that time.
Two days after mom's fall, my Grandpa Barnum died. It was somewhat unexpected. He and grandma had flown to Virginia to visit my Uncle, and grandpa got sick while they were there. It all happened within a week. I called and was able to say hi and goodbye to him, just hours before he passed.
In December, I could see the physical changes in mom. I knew she wasn't feeling well. She had started chemo again in mid-November, but it wiped her out a lot in December. She knew something wasn't quite right. She was tired all the time and her coughing started to get a lot worse. She needed to get radiation again, but was too sore to get through it, so it got pushed back.
January put her back in the hospital with her right lung collapsed again. This time, they weren't able to get it back open. The tumors had wrapped themselves around blood vessels and the doctor knew it was to dangerous to try and work around them. We celebrated a very late Christmas in January - on January 17th. That was the weekend I found out about some other symptoms mom was having that scared me quite a bit. On January 23rd mom had an appointment with her oncologist and all of us were part of it (in person or by phone). We knew how much the cancer was spreading and how much it was wearing mom down. She wanted to try one more round of chemo and radiation (for the tumor that had appeared on her pituitary). The following Thursday Carole called and mom was having such bad pain in her leg that she couldn't stand.
We all know what happened in February. That week in the hospital felt like the longest week of my life. I wanted to do everything to help her. I wanted the best doctors with her, I wanted her on the best floor of the hospital, I wanted her to get the surgery she needed. But in truth, on February 2nd - when I went back to mom and dad's house to stay the night and Carole and Jim were there, I told Carole that night - mom wasn't going to make it out of this. After seeing mom that day, I knew she had days left. I had called Justin earlier that day and told him to come - he bought a plane ticket that day and arrived on Sunday. I couldn't be more thankful for that time with my family.
I feel like I spent most of December and January crying every night. Knowing that mom was tired or in pain most days and I think she shielded us from most of it. I knew her time was limited and I was grieving the loss of the energetic, get-up-and-go mom that I knew, but spending as much time with her as I could, and loving the strength and faith-filled mom that was fighting.
November to February - cold and dark months. But I will work hard to find the light and warmth. The time I was able to spend with her during those months. The memories and laughter we shared.
These are the 4 darkest and coldest months of the year. I feel like this year they will be a little darker and a little colder. From tomorrow until February, the months will be flooded with memories.
Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. There are days I wait for her to send me a message and ask me what we are doing that weekend or how the girls are. The tears still come and go - the girls occasionally tell me they dream about grandma and tell me often how much they miss her.
A year ago tomorrow we celebrated mom's 60th birthday in Santa Claus, Indiana. It was what she wanted - a weekend of family. So, we all made arrangements and our whole family was there and mom and dad's best friends Jim & Carole. It was a weekend of love, laughter, food, games, and family pictures.
From my perspective, after this weekend is when things started progressing. On election day last year, mom was walking towards the building where the voting was taking place. A 1" lip in the sidewalk was unmarked and mom tripped on it. She fell, broke her nose and fractured her wrist. She'd require surgery on her wrist, the nose they let heal on it's own. It set mom off her chemo schedule. I think I'm blocking out a lot of details, things I rather not think about during that time.
Two days after mom's fall, my Grandpa Barnum died. It was somewhat unexpected. He and grandma had flown to Virginia to visit my Uncle, and grandpa got sick while they were there. It all happened within a week. I called and was able to say hi and goodbye to him, just hours before he passed.
In December, I could see the physical changes in mom. I knew she wasn't feeling well. She had started chemo again in mid-November, but it wiped her out a lot in December. She knew something wasn't quite right. She was tired all the time and her coughing started to get a lot worse. She needed to get radiation again, but was too sore to get through it, so it got pushed back.
January put her back in the hospital with her right lung collapsed again. This time, they weren't able to get it back open. The tumors had wrapped themselves around blood vessels and the doctor knew it was to dangerous to try and work around them. We celebrated a very late Christmas in January - on January 17th. That was the weekend I found out about some other symptoms mom was having that scared me quite a bit. On January 23rd mom had an appointment with her oncologist and all of us were part of it (in person or by phone). We knew how much the cancer was spreading and how much it was wearing mom down. She wanted to try one more round of chemo and radiation (for the tumor that had appeared on her pituitary). The following Thursday Carole called and mom was having such bad pain in her leg that she couldn't stand.
We all know what happened in February. That week in the hospital felt like the longest week of my life. I wanted to do everything to help her. I wanted the best doctors with her, I wanted her on the best floor of the hospital, I wanted her to get the surgery she needed. But in truth, on February 2nd - when I went back to mom and dad's house to stay the night and Carole and Jim were there, I told Carole that night - mom wasn't going to make it out of this. After seeing mom that day, I knew she had days left. I had called Justin earlier that day and told him to come - he bought a plane ticket that day and arrived on Sunday. I couldn't be more thankful for that time with my family.
I feel like I spent most of December and January crying every night. Knowing that mom was tired or in pain most days and I think she shielded us from most of it. I knew her time was limited and I was grieving the loss of the energetic, get-up-and-go mom that I knew, but spending as much time with her as I could, and loving the strength and faith-filled mom that was fighting.
November to February - cold and dark months. But I will work hard to find the light and warmth. The time I was able to spend with her during those months. The memories and laughter we shared.
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