If I knew...

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 If I knew six years ago what I know now, would I have done things differently?

Would I have said I love you more?

Would I have spent more weekends with her?

Would I learned more and helped her fight harder?

No - instead of I wish I had known... I get to reflect on "I'm glad I did"

I don't remember the exact day that mom told us about this upcoming surgery. I remember we were all camping. Jeremy and I were hanging out in Damon & Mandy's trailer playing a game while Micah and Solomon were sleeping. Paige was asleep in mom & dad's trailer. 

Mom came in to talk to us. I wish I could remember the conversation more, but in mom fashion, I wonder if she down-played it and I didn't think it was something I really needed to be concerned about. When a family member mentions the word cancer you want to ignore it and hope for the best. You want to think they'll get it all with surgery or that it will be benign. 

The surgery was scheduled for December and it would be a hefty one, but the weight of it never hit me. I vaguely remember the day of the surgery but remember it took what felt like forever.

What I do remember?

Spending weekends with her and watching her spend time with Paige & Kora. Her and dad finding the perfect house for them. Weekends at the campgrounds. Holiday parties.

Going on our many adventures from 2014-2019; Shipshewana, Brown County, Disney World (three times!), Chicago, Cincinnati. 

I miss her so much still, even more so during the Christmas season. But the Christmas season also brings so much hope and joy. Rejoicing in the birth of our Savior. Seeing the beautiful first snow of the year, the pure white that blankets the ground. Driving around and looking at Christmas lights. Baking cookies and listening to Christmas songs. 

Whatever you know now - act on it. Now & Today is what we have. In five years, don't think if I had known... instead, reflect on I'm glad I did. 

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