One Year
Facebook Post: February 7th: 2019, 11:11am
John 14:1-3
"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going."
Mom passed peacefully early this morning with her family by her side. While we are saddened and grieving, we are celebrating her new life in Heaven and that she is no longer in pain.
Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers during this time. We will update when we have more information about celebrating her life.
One year ago today we were huddled around mom's bed as she drew her last breath. We were there with her the moment her earthly body was no longer, and she rand into the arms of Jesus.
One year ago today my dad, my brothers, and I sat around dad's kitchen table deciding how we wanted to 'tell the world' that mom had died.
One year ago today our world changed and a new reality began. A reality that I didn't know how to process.
In the past year I've thought a lot about the fives stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Denial - my denial stage started long before mom died. I tend to think of that stage as the night she told us about what was going on. I barely remember the conversation. I remember the setting - we were camping that weekend and Jeremy and I were playing a game with Damon & Mandy in their camper. Mom came in, made sure Micah and Solomon were asleep and told us what was going on. They'd found some nodules in her lungs and she was going to have to have surgery to remove them. I honestly don't even remember if she had used the word cancer at the time. I remember her telling us not to be scared, that everything would be fine. Her confidence and faith even then shown through to us. One she had the surgery and chemo, I was still in denial that the cancer was serious.
Anger - I turned into a pessimist over the past year of mom's life. She would have chemo, they would say she's in remission, then the scans would reveal it again. I just wanted her to be on chemo all the time, because I knew it would always come back. My anger was also with the insurance companies who kept denying PET scans, even though it would be the best way to scan mom's body for more cancer. I was angry at the cancer itself.
Bargaining - I'm trying to remember if I ever really got to this stage. Of course I wanted it to go away, but I didn't want to bargain anything for it. I believe that God has a reason we go through everything and it sucks sometimes, but I know it's his reason and I don't want to change what he has planned.
Depression - My depression hit hard in November of 2018. After mom's fall and seeing her health decline, I knew what was happening. Though at times I still wanted to deny it and wanted her to live 10 more years, I've been in enough healthcare situations and heard enough stories, that I knew. My depression hit hard in November/December. I became a shell of a person and after work I would come home and sit in the recliner and not want to do anything. I struggled to play with my kids, I didn't want to hang out with my husband. I wanted to sit and cry and be miserable knowing what was happening and what was about to come.
The depression stage continued for a while. I don't know when my depression turned to acceptance. Part of my decrease in depression as starting some meds after talking with my doctor. I didn't like who I had become (a shell), but I had a hard time getting past the sadness of knowing I wouldn't hear her voice, see her face, or feel her hug again.
Acceptance - It's not an easy stage to be in. At first, I felt like acceptance meant forgetting. Forgetting all of the terrible things she went through, forgetting all of the joy and laughter she brought to us, forgetting her. But that's not what acceptance is. I've come to appreciate that acceptance means learning how to balance remembering her without being sad. Acceptance is telling stories about her and helping my girls to always remember their grandma. Acceptance is taking a step each day in this new reality.
There are still things that trigger the tears, but they don't come as often. I wondered how I would feel today, if the memories of this morning and listening to those last breathes would 'haunt' me or help me remember that she's not in pain. Specific flash blacks have popped up this past week, and while some of them make me think 'what if...', the majority of them are memories of our family being together and holding tight to each other as we saw the hurt each of us had while seeing a woman that we loved slowly pass from this earth.
Today we remember the woman who brought us a love of Disney, Cubs, Cowboys. A woman who showed us strength and faith in the worst of times. A woman we will carry with us in our hearts forever. A woman I was so lucky to call Mom.
John 14:1-3
"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going."
Mom passed peacefully early this morning with her family by her side. While we are saddened and grieving, we are celebrating her new life in Heaven and that she is no longer in pain.
Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers during this time. We will update when we have more information about celebrating her life.
One year ago today we were huddled around mom's bed as she drew her last breath. We were there with her the moment her earthly body was no longer, and she rand into the arms of Jesus.
One year ago today my dad, my brothers, and I sat around dad's kitchen table deciding how we wanted to 'tell the world' that mom had died.
One year ago today our world changed and a new reality began. A reality that I didn't know how to process.
In the past year I've thought a lot about the fives stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Denial - my denial stage started long before mom died. I tend to think of that stage as the night she told us about what was going on. I barely remember the conversation. I remember the setting - we were camping that weekend and Jeremy and I were playing a game with Damon & Mandy in their camper. Mom came in, made sure Micah and Solomon were asleep and told us what was going on. They'd found some nodules in her lungs and she was going to have to have surgery to remove them. I honestly don't even remember if she had used the word cancer at the time. I remember her telling us not to be scared, that everything would be fine. Her confidence and faith even then shown through to us. One she had the surgery and chemo, I was still in denial that the cancer was serious.
Anger - I turned into a pessimist over the past year of mom's life. She would have chemo, they would say she's in remission, then the scans would reveal it again. I just wanted her to be on chemo all the time, because I knew it would always come back. My anger was also with the insurance companies who kept denying PET scans, even though it would be the best way to scan mom's body for more cancer. I was angry at the cancer itself.
Bargaining - I'm trying to remember if I ever really got to this stage. Of course I wanted it to go away, but I didn't want to bargain anything for it. I believe that God has a reason we go through everything and it sucks sometimes, but I know it's his reason and I don't want to change what he has planned.
Depression - My depression hit hard in November of 2018. After mom's fall and seeing her health decline, I knew what was happening. Though at times I still wanted to deny it and wanted her to live 10 more years, I've been in enough healthcare situations and heard enough stories, that I knew. My depression hit hard in November/December. I became a shell of a person and after work I would come home and sit in the recliner and not want to do anything. I struggled to play with my kids, I didn't want to hang out with my husband. I wanted to sit and cry and be miserable knowing what was happening and what was about to come.
The depression stage continued for a while. I don't know when my depression turned to acceptance. Part of my decrease in depression as starting some meds after talking with my doctor. I didn't like who I had become (a shell), but I had a hard time getting past the sadness of knowing I wouldn't hear her voice, see her face, or feel her hug again.
Acceptance - It's not an easy stage to be in. At first, I felt like acceptance meant forgetting. Forgetting all of the terrible things she went through, forgetting all of the joy and laughter she brought to us, forgetting her. But that's not what acceptance is. I've come to appreciate that acceptance means learning how to balance remembering her without being sad. Acceptance is telling stories about her and helping my girls to always remember their grandma. Acceptance is taking a step each day in this new reality.
There are still things that trigger the tears, but they don't come as often. I wondered how I would feel today, if the memories of this morning and listening to those last breathes would 'haunt' me or help me remember that she's not in pain. Specific flash blacks have popped up this past week, and while some of them make me think 'what if...', the majority of them are memories of our family being together and holding tight to each other as we saw the hurt each of us had while seeing a woman that we loved slowly pass from this earth.
Today we remember the woman who brought us a love of Disney, Cubs, Cowboys. A woman who showed us strength and faith in the worst of times. A woman we will carry with us in our hearts forever. A woman I was so lucky to call Mom.
Comments
Post a Comment